The Hour

Before anything: a prayer. 
 God, I just ask that You move my fingers on this computer keyboard to express my heart just as freely as You did to learn to praise You on that piano keyboard. 

I believe You will.

Why? Only because I believe in You.

 And I mean it when that I believe in You.
I believe it now, more than ever.

 And I mean it, when I say, that I believe in Him.

 But I'm finding it's more that I simply 
believe 
God.

But I don’t want you to believe me.

 I want to show you.  

                                                                           

Overtime, He has shown me His glory and His grace,

 and I believe Him.

And in this hour, I'm going to write about it.

I'm going to write about it right here in front on this piano-- where I experience it.

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In high school, years before I sat before this piano, I would've told you I "believed in God."

But I was also one of those girls who thought God was telling her to do a thousand random things that were probably all in her imagination. The girl who wore a cross around her neck to Jacobs High School every day. The girl who was always over-involved for her own good (literally- my own good is not much at all).

And now, I'm starting to think I learned this whole thing backwards.

Even though, at the time, it seemed pretty forward. 

Here's the Spark Notes of my story: 

"Accepted Jesus into my heart,” at a summer camp before I entered high school. Check. √

Baptized my sophomore year of high school: Check. √

Rarely missed church. More checks. √√√√

Recognized as a generally “happy” person. Check √

Told those around me that I “believed in God.” Check √

Led Bible studies. Check √

And at that time, 
all these checks, 
they never felt like checks. 
At that time, 

it all felt “real.” 
It all felt “natural.” But it did not feel 
the way it feels right now.

Why? 
Because, I believe that 

this is the hour

I first believed.

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Another check: the baptism of the Holy Spirit. √

But like I said, it didn't feel like a check.

In fact, it was the Holy Spirit that sent me on the joy ride that led me to writing this very blog.

And I can tell you with all my heart that nothing has felt more real than this new, fresh sense of His presence.

But the Spirit also led me to something else.

It led to me to this piano.

He took me to a 30 minute conversation about Ghana on the Market Square patio,

to a 20 minute conversation reuniting with an old friend inside the Market Square cafeteria,

to the warming up a Pumpkin Spice Latte in Union Grounds, 

to walking around the Commons,

to a piano in the Auditorium,

to Amazing Grace,

to belief.

All while I had a strict schedule of studying…

(Here He goes! Interrupting my ‘plans,’ again…

See ‘Surprised by the Spirit: Sustainability? in SAVEDpaper,

where it all started…)

But back to where this all started: an alluring piano.

I couldn't help myself.

I was (and am still) (re)learning how to play;

and when I found that the door of the Auditorium was open... 

I was excited.

The piano was much more fancy than the ones I'd played on before.

My eyes widened as I saw all the different buttons and knobs.

This was not your ordinary piano.

And I was about to find out that tonight wasn't my ordinary night, either.

“Visual Lesson”

Ah! Yes! This is for me! I’m learning!

I’m actually learning a lot… this you already know.

But as I scrolled down the list of songs,

I landed on “Amazing Grace.”

Yesssss!

**When the person who was teaching me how to play piano asked what song I wanted to learn first, "Amazing Grace" was the first to pop in my head. But I didn't tell him. I shoved it aside and searched for another song. It was a silly move, but now I'm glad. And I can't help but think learning this song was meant for a different time. 

This time.

A time when he wasn’t there;

and it was just me

and God.

I touched the screen, and I began to learn.

                                                              (Sidenote: Impressive right? If you haven’t

                                                                                     checked out this piano…

                                                                                           it’s a TCU secret. :) )

I began to learn-- s l o w l y.

First, note by note.
Key by key. 

The talking piano cheered me on...

"Keep practicing!"

The talking piano gave me scores...

0/100... 20/100... 60/100

S l o w l y, I learned.

Then…

Word by word.

A-maze

Ing

Grace

How

Sweet

The

Sound

That

Saved

A

Wretch

Like

Me.

Yes... 

A wretch like me…

The weight of my sin, a weight that took me years to actually feel,

I felt it there.

Though I'll never know how heavy that weight really is, I felt it more than ever before. 

It's always stuck in my mind,  what my “home-church” pastor, Bill Hybels, often said about this song. 

“You know you're a real Christian
when just the song Amazing Grace brings you to tears.”
Maybe it stuck in my mind because in middle school, in high school, tears never formed when I sang this song. 

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It took me a while,

a long while, actually,

for that impressive piano to teach me that song.

And, it may have taken me a while in the world’s eyes,

To learn the true meaning of that song.

But, all I know is,

after all those checks,

and through all those checks,

God was teaching me.

He took His time
so I could truly know
and I'm glad.

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Twas

Grace

That

Taught

My

Heart

To

Fear

And

Grace

My

Fears

Relieved.

Yes. Fear, AKA: Cassie Behavior, had been relieved.

Not all at once, but it's been in the process of being relieved.

The way I felt after being baptized by the Holy Spirit: fearless.

A verse that has been my favorite verse of late,

also the same verse I had a conversation about today:  

“For you were not given a spirit

That makes you’re a slave again to fear,

But you have received a spirit of Sonship.” Romans 8:15

How

Precious

Did

That

Grace

Appear

The

Hour

I

First

Be

____.

The last note, it didn’t play.

It didn’t play?

Nope. No note. No sound. Nothing.

Kind of a rocky ending, you can imagine how it would sound.

Just not right.

Catching my attention, my mind shot back to a conversation I had just yesterday with the woman who disciples me. 

“We accept man’s testimony,

but God’s testimony is greater

because it is the testimony of God,

which he has given about His Son.

Anyone who believes in the Son of God

has this testimony in his heart.

Anyone who does not believe God

has made him out to be a liar,

because he has not believed the testimony

God has given about his Son.”

1 John 5:9-10

After dissecting these verses… we uncovered the truth that exists

in not just “believing in God.”

But, instead, to believe God Himself: 

         to respond with “I believe You, God,”

         as He asks us to trust Him and His testimony of His Son.

She urged me to speak about my eternal salvation with confidence,

in light of all He done, and despite all my questions still unanswered.

Why? Because John wrote those very words above,

“to you who believe in the name of the Son of God,

So that you may know that you have eternal life.” 1 John 5:13

I played it again…

The

Hour

I

First

Be

lieved.

The final note, it rang through the air this time. 

Believing, it was different this time.
The song was different this time. 

I was different this time. 

But as much as I practice this new life,

I'll never reach 100/100.

But maybe that's not the point. Maybe the point is that I'll continue to learn, all my life, how Amazing this Grace really is...

I sat in the silence of the empty auditorium, and lifted my eyes to meet my reflection in the black laquer finish…
A wretch like me. 
The words that, for years, sat in my mind
resounded and came tumbling down to rapidly wrap around my heart and 

I felt the tears fill my eyes.
and roll down my cheeks. 

And they're coming back again just writing this…

Maybe I didn’t learn it backwards,

Maybe the way He found me was quite forward, for me.

Maybe it was just right, for me.

Maybe it was perfect.

I believe it was.

In fact, I know.

Thank you &
Thank You,
Cass